In His Hands

This momma got to go shopping today. Alone. At a mall. That included a craft store. Yes, heaven on Earth :) What in the world would I have to worry about?
If you struggle with anxiety like I do, you understand there are a million things I could be hung up on. Laying in bed last night, trying to fall asleep while knowing of this adventure, my mind started to drift. To dark places. I didn't fall asleep dreaming about the quiet of browsing through the floral department or the joy of looking at a row of pillows in Bed Bath and Beyond without a toddler dumping all her animal crackers on the floor. I shed tears over thinking about what could happen when all the people I deeply love are in the same vehicle without me. What my life would be like if I didn't have them because I wasn't in the car. Why I was choosing a shopping trip over spending time with them when it could be my last moments with them. Yes, exaggerated fear. Exactly the grip anxiety exhibits in my life.
I'm taking steps towards reclaiming my thoughts from fear. I'm talking about it, writing about it, and moving against it. When those thoughts come up, I redirect to prayer. I bring all of those fears to the feet of my Father and beg Him to have mercy in my life. To help me come up for air when those irrational thoughts are drowning me. And I go shopping anyway :) I only called Brad once to make sure they were safe and I prayed. A lot.
I hope my daughters will never struggle with anxiety like I do. Mine has gotten better and I hope one day it's no longer a battle in my mind. As for now, the thorn will keep bringing me to God, keep me in conversation with Him on a regular basis, and keep showing me He's a trustworthy guardian, gentle with my fragile state while still pushing me past it.